I've discovered a miracle that makes life worth loving. I've swallowed up you. I'm swallowed in you.


gosh am i swallowed in you

i feel a little guilty when i realize i am having all my wishes fulfilled. by you. you tickle me. and you do actually tickle me.
I'm so excited my dreamboy thinks i am his dreamgirl. doesnt that just make you want to puke with the cuteness?

so i am going to theatre school on broadway in New York City. With one of my favorite people in the whole wide world.  I'll be in Paris over Christmas. With multiples of my favorite people in the whole wide world. I am in love. with a person who is my whole wide world.
   .....I feel like that last part, i should have used the word Galaxy. He knows why.     

**PssSSSHHhhhhhhhhhtt** as the Carbonyte freezes

i want you to know my life story that i wear on my skin
I want you to know it all without knowing where to begin
I want to lie with you and hold your face
I'm falling into you at a dangerous pace

i need to book flights home dear friends. um on the fourth, at the bayshore, parties--- i am not shotgunning a bed, i am shotgunning the sailboat on the beach. that is where i will sleep. if i sleep. you guys get the water everyday, i will not let anyone take it away from me. 
that formidable beast with such a gentle roll. I want to wake up to salt on my skin and that dribble of pebbles.  sleep under stars that recognize me. and that i can see. 
  uh i want to see the stars. 

the flame brings more light than heat, so i do not take it for fire 
the sacrifice is more blood than meat, but i do not stomp the pire 
  ~in any other tongue you'd hear my roar
    to break my stride's no easy chore
    can't pierce my skin with bare bodkin 
    Long vie le Roi!
I know in my bones I'm a lion
I know in my name
i know in my soul i'm a lion
Its in my veins
I know in my bones i"m a lion 
pounce without shame 
I know in my soul i'm a lion 
its in my name

(oh. oma na Oh No.
oma nah, Oh, No
No o o o oh a)

you're not your own
reason has flown
I feel your faults
ofelia falls.

ect. 
my awesome boyfriend will have to put music to it for me(i am so fucking lucky B T dubs). and it needs another verse.   ....guess i gotta watch hamlet again and invent some more lines. ha ha SHAKESPEARE

 wow. i spent a bunch of hours today going back and reading all my posts dated back to early 2006. 
 hilarious. 
i say very little of value. ha
and it all seems so futile and irrelevant all together. i go from the happiest to bitterly depressed in a matter of moments. silliness. 


i wrote these lyrics for a song i want to put together.  its got an upbeat cadence to it. deep bop bop deep bop bop etc. he he he 

I'm upwards and sidewards i like to use big words
explain how simply simple i feel

streetfuls of people can't compare to those in your head
    
 oh-o we're all children
o in grown up pants
   Oh-o we're all children
stumbling through an exotic dance


its horribly stupid and it really isnt about anything yet. but so far its humable, and i like the words i have thought of. now to tie them together. hmmmm. poop. 

there are so many people i want to express my love to right now and can't. what is taboo? what is distance? what is vulnerability? i feel like those are all very made up words

 that boy i have is now my boyfriend. he blows my mind and rocks my world. its kinda lame, i feel i can't bee too candid because he has an lj and has threatened to find me. it resulted in me having to share with him the embarassing last post i posted full of girly gushings. 
         
I went to a play last night with my brother and my boss. Accent on Youth. Nole Coward.....David hyde Pierce is hilarious and has beautifully exact timing! the only word i can use to describe it is delightful. the show was uttrly delightful. 40's, clever, lots of giggles for the audience and at the audience's expense. great great great.  My boss is this slight fuzzy haired eccentric jewish woman who honestly, makes me feel smarter to talk to. we went to a bar afterward and chatted about face yoga nad breaking apart my brothr's screenplay which is almost finished and will be sold or made independently. (thanks to my genius boss marilyn). There is a role in it that is mine. so thats someth9ing to look forward to.
  we drank some blue moon with orange slices. then my bro bought me a slice of pizza while we sauntered through a lazy times square.
then my boyfriend picked me up and drove us to the village to meet up with some wasted friends dancing in a mexican bar. i feel like an amazon woman among tiny lusty men who's language i can't decipher. it was so much f¨n. i latin danced with my boy all night. until the music got more club. ..then we shared the swayze moves all night long. and i do mean all night long. ha ha ha ha. he is a sweetheart and i could kinoodle with him always.

 anyway. yall who read this LJ business, don't make me get all up on you again abuot not posting! come on i want stuff to read. all those intimate deets you can't share with just anybody. bring it back! SMT i assume you still read this business, gimme some lyrics or something i may have lost kylie and erica.  ...twats. thanks meghan for keping it alive. where the fuck is jami in my life. amber you are a beautiful woman. i could keep going but i am going to be late to class\\


ps i am lazy...byut the keyboard i am using...that is the reason for the drastic amount of mistakes. i just choos to not undo it. 

PEACE, LOVE, and PUMPKIN PANCAKES

 I AM SWOOONING!! 

his compliments make me giddy. 
his whole face and his voice change when we lie together because of the size of his smile. 
  I feel liked. WoW. 
How do i go on letting myself get treated so poorly> I don't realize it until i witness the reverse of having someone want to please. 
last night we fell asleep with my face on his chest and his arms curled tightly around me.

star wars nerd 
musician
filmaker
improviser
sweetheart
and dance party enthusiast. 
   ...sound something like me? well you haven't met him yet. but if i am lucky, i hope you all will. ...eventually. 
 I like that i want there to be an eventually.


Ugh! i feel like a helpless little girl.      
    somehow though, i barely mind it. 
  :D   

 dear sweet jesus. 

yall are together in a city that i love. and i am alone here being jilted by siuations with friends and boys before they even start.
I am here finding out the guy i was kinda seeing has a girlfriend. through facebook. 
I am here watching people i want, be dazzled by girls whom cannot offer as much as me. 
I am here being treated shitty by girls who dont know what it means to be loyal or a real fucking friend 
I am here giving much more to these inconsiderate people than they deserve
I am here recieving nothing in return
I am here grasping at straws of people i know as they all filter and trickle out of town
I am here waiting every moment, praying, hoping, dreaming that my phone will buzz. just with an update text. but it doesnt
I am here wishing you guys had the urge to contact me. just to tell me about your day. 
I am here being baffled by news and gossip that i am WAY behind in and not aware of
I am here going to school from 9am to 7pm tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, and saturday this week
I am here having not yet seen my brothers or heard happy  birthday from then since we are all dispersed
I am here without my Evan who is so crucial to my new york life. and my life.  
I am here having people judge me constantly. I am here being harrassed constantly. 
I am here not being able to interest anyone in me in a romantic sense, or an intimate way. which i am starting to desperately need.
I am here being sexually frustrated
I am here working out daddy issues with degrading sexual acts. I am here being used by men that i know are lying to me. 
I am here avoiding those obvious things with a flimsy denial 
I am here working my ass off in something that can never perfect and never be good enough
I am here withholding feelings for those i can't have. but have to be with always. 
I am here staring in the beautiful blue eyes of someone i could love so well 
I am here hearing that boy say he loves me loves me loves me-- in a scene. not for real
I am here being rejected by things i wanted to stake my happiness on
I am here alone
I am here sleeping alone
I am here wearing my winter coat some mornings and evenings
I am here and broke
I am here missing you all desperately 

and you are there

 gunna rape kill pillage and burn we gunna rape kill pillage and burn. Eat The BayBies!

        thas right thas right, gunna cut em with my knife. 
get my dick slick and stick it in real quick 
triple the score, a mothafuckin hat trick!

its the statisitics that make you serious 
its the realistics that make you so furious
its the logistics makin you delirious 

gotta keep that gloc good and steady,
keep the clip in, loaded and ready
                          }}}}Some words of wisdom from yours truly

There is this band i really like. and one of the reasons is because, the only descriptive i can imagine to describe them is primordial. the singer, she unvaults herself from her body and the music scrawls through her. thats the kind of artist i want to be. thats the kind worth being. a human that doesnt perform, but completely releases oneself to be a vessel for the energy to flow through. anchored in the earth and screaming to the sky. a catalyst for light and sound and sight. 

dont stop me cuz i'm havin a good time. I don't want to stop at all

I want to be friends with a jamacian bad-ass

 cunt cunt cnt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt

I LOve yall

 I spit out my problems today. spit at the block. spit at the wall. Nate and I made headway on a phenomenal transcidental film. an epic that exists through space and time. its refreshing to invent.
    I sweat out my problems today. leant back in the mountain, I watched and bathed in the beads off my glistening arms. the rear neck of my tank saturated and soaked in sweat. I could taste the rolling beads off the tips of my nose. My skin still tastes like I'm fresh off the surf. 
    It's one of those nights when i had a late lunch and can't justify another meal. especially at this time of night. so i do not concede the stand-off with my will. I replace the lusted after bowl of cereal, with a walnut and a cigarette. But all is well, the walnut usually becomes a handful, and the cigarette a spliff.
     Life is pleasant and life is kind, I ain't got none but goddness on my mind. good friends to keep me tested. good work to keep me worn.
good force to keep me generous when sacrifice is born. 

for my mistakes, I am sorry. for my fears, i am wary. 
I'm going to try not to lie anymore.
to anyone. 
or to myself. 

 a week from right right now....give or take a few minutes, I will be landing in the sarasota Airport. 
 
   Are you excited? I am. 

By the way, nate was hurt noone commented on my last post about him being here. 
Nate was sad
Nates feels bad. 

ha ha ha 

my birthday is next friday when i'm home. we will have to celebrate with some liquor on a beach somewhere. 
Peace and Love

 Nate is here. 
 Nate is queer.

 I'm weak. 
I fail. 

I want you to see me as some awesome aloof person, but i suck at that. I cry too often. I want to badly to make you happy. and who the fuck cares. I know I don't. but i always feel like i do at the time. why do you have that fucking effect on me. 
 
  Why is it that you are the only person i think i could ever talk to on the phone for four straight hours. why do you even answer?

I climbed my ladder this morning as i noticed the sky begin to light up. I watched the sun rise over my city. over my skyline.

I looked at many beautiful things over my night. I got a lot of cry out.  ...there may still be a little more. but man o man. thank you for the release

 AHHH! 
 I had a crazy breezy weekend. busybusy busy. gettin busy busy busy. mmmmmm gettin busy. 
spent the night in brooklyn last night since i knew my roomie's boyfriend was coming in from canada.thought i would give them some fuck space.  2 of my wonderful lovely lady loves live on one side of the hotel st. George. A boy Man i know(very intamately), lives on the other. so the four of us girls who go to school together rode the train to brklyn and had delicious greek diner food. we then got Vanilla Smirnoff and coca-cola and started getting crunked in their room while watching a movie of a man who's fetish is feeding women to their deaths. the movie was suprisingly sexy.   ...albeit disturbing. whilst one couple is having greatly cinematicly HOTT glistening sex, it flashes between that, and the creepy, feeding, get-off on 600 pound ladies, kinky stuff. 
  one of those things where i was kinda turned on, but mostly uncomfortable because of the fact that i was truned on. 

Either way, the sexy parts were really really sexy. then i got to skip over to the other side of the hotel and wait for a boy i know to get rid of his roommate. I can leave some nasty Bite marks. I am feeling a little guilt today of what he has to wear around on his neck. twill be lasting. 
  Boy's got school, so i took my mildly drunk and satisfied ass back ova to the other sida and around 1 got into a shower with 2 of my girlfriends, and had a super liberating and refreshing shower. feel really comfortable about my body today.     ....Very Clean, and with my own mark on my neck. 

   went to school this morning on a day i dont have school, to make up an improv class. was not an inconveiniance. my teacher, i would have a crush on him ( and i think he would to me back) if he didnt have a wife. he is so cute and cool. and i mean, my kinda goofy, witty, vulgar little guy. James. O James Miles! your improv class makes me happy.   

that is just monday night and tuesday morning.  didnt go to sleep before 4 either fri or sat. details on that stuff is by ear. dont know if it needs typed

I saw Waiting for Godot (pronounced gAH-doe) on saturday. I don't even know what to say. i have seen somewhere over 40 broadway shows.  ....this was probably, not only one of my favorites (favorite straight play no question by far) but probably thee best. in every aspect. if you want to hear about it in detail, let me know and i could talk your ear off. 
  But in general, there is nothing i can think of typing right now that would do it justice or sum up what i want to say or feel about it. 

Exit the King the night before. GODDAMN Geoffrey Rush. fabulous. not as great. but still a masterful piece. 
got to see claire live and in action workin that red hair and that cute little dimpled face. as much as i love lauren ambrose on 6 feet under, i might like her just as much on stage. thats a big deal. susan sorandon on the other hand....as beautiful a voice and as powerful a presence that she has, should stick to screen. her skills, not as utilized on stage. 

Qua Qua Qua.  Quaqua Qua QUa
  Love you Lucky!!

 I am almost in to double digits. 
that scares me a little

but hey. knew what to do with my business. so a great deal of good came out of it

 I kept myself up all night to prepare myself for the "truthiness" of a scene where i need to be engrossed in going to sleep. where i need to be tired and MY only objective, a billion times more immediate than saying any line at all, is to go to bed. 
    its 8. i woke up at 6. went to bed at 4:30. 

my partner just texted me. he didnt get home from boston till 1 am, Oh Dear!! he is exhausted and has a headache so he wont be making it to class for our FINAL PRESENTATION OF MEISNER SCENES. 

i dont know how well yall know sandy meisner. his stuff works....i mean hours on end in a room yelling at people and being yelled at about your behavior, but it literally sucks. it works, but o my dear sweet jesus, no acting technique is as tedious or down right aggrivating. ,,,,ON PURPOSE

so yeah. i am bitter and a little upset. i would not go too....considering i have to walk over a mile in the rain. and its not just rain, its city rain. where the traffic is violent with its splashes and wizzes past you. and that i know i won't work in class. 
----if only it weren't for the fact that i have double the amount of abscences for them to kick me out. 

so here i go. sleepless to walk some miles, try to stay awake and watch other people do what i wish i was doing----screaming at people and living truthfully under imaginary circumstances. it'd all be worth it just to live in that land of inorganic beings for a bit. 

but alas...
    

 ditto. 

 today i built a tree
today i breathed life into the air

charmed pieces of wood to dance underneath the feet of my eve


I miss theatre

But i LOVVEEE acting!

 It sucks being out of the loop. 

  I go out of my way to contact a lot of people, and I don't hear alot in return. god forbid anyone would make a first attempt to talk to me. 
It makes me ponder sometimes whether before, i only got the time of day because i was sick. 
  So what did i get out of near death expieriences? one summer worth of friends, and a  wonderful habbit of mary-jane. 

and a mentalitly that understands living life to the fullest. It just sucks that it is so empty. 

Lonliness has almost made me wish i was sick again.  Just for the pure consideration people give you. I haven't really expierienced it existing anywhere else. 

I don't deserve a thing.   am I really this selfish to keep wasting so much space and so many resources? 

 I'm in love with a boy i can't have. 

not love love to the Nth degree, but the stage of love and desire 
i only know and ADMIT this because;

*I have felt so since i have met him
*It only grows every time he looks at me
*I restrain myself off of his face at times overcome by pure warmth
* and i have tried ferociously to forget it and get over it and i cannot and know i will not

I really have tried. I really am trying. 
but its hard when my conscience longing to get over him, is wildly outshone by my epic unconscious desire to be with him. 

Sucks! 

But life is great! will be slightly more lonely with erica having left me today. I forget the necessity of ears and arms. she makes my life sweeter. But only 13/14 days till i am surrounded again with unfiltered love. twill be great!

 I watched a guy i had sex with (and am still fantazizing about) play on Tv last night. 
it was weird 
i texted him after to say they were amazing
even though they are truthfully better live 
but the point is, i texted him
I have that ability
he told me he can't wait to come back to New York

ME Either!! talk about bestest sexiness! those guitarists know how to manipulate their instruments
Whatever it is that they are playing

so there you go. something really honest that i wouldnt normally put on the web for lots and lots to see
a little bit of candid-ness. 

....and by the way, the title is a pun. its his name, and not a bitchy exclamation of wealth. ...i live extravagantly in fact, so i am most often completely broke. haha